Hello lovely people

So, I did it.  I started the other blog.  It's up and I am terrified.  It will take a lot of work and a lot of changes.  Not anything over night that's for sure.  Anyone can diet but if you can't change your thinking then it's all for nothing.  I do have a separate email if they want to comment or whatever.

This blog will strictly be about updates and the doings in our lives; Tyler and I.  I will update more tomorrow because we do have a HUGE change coming so stay tuned!!

Email me if you want the link to the other blog: mylifediary.melissa@gmail.com

More Updates

Hey people out there in blogger world. If you're still reading thanks!! We have finally joined the 21st century and got the Internet. Ty has this fabulous laptop that we can actually put to use.

I wanted to let you all know that I will be starting another blog. I will keep up with this one to update everyone on the happenings of our life. Well, assuming that anyone cares HA!! Perhaps I'll make it a private family blog or I don't know maybe not.

My other blog is going to be just about me. I have been inspired by a couple of women that I don't know at all but we have a connection. We are the chubby/fluffy chicks on a journey to try and change who we allowed ourselves to become. I have found support and comfort in their blogs and I am hoping that my journey and thoughts will do the same. Or provide a bit of entertainment.

I will keep you all posted when I am able to get it up and running. I have begun blogging already. I was using WORD at work ha ha. I will have an email also that I will set up if anyone wants to email me personally.

I do realize that putting myself out there like this may be crazy but trying to lose weight the other ways I've tried just isn't working. I am hoping that I can gain support, tips, and the will to do this and not only change my physical body but my way of life. It's not just about the physical you have to change the way you think and live.

Thank you in advance for any and all of your support.

Finally an Update....

Hello Everyone that still reads this old blog. I am so sorry that I have been slacking in the blogging department. It's been such a stressful time since March. I'll give the short version and elaborate later:
- April...nothing really happened more wedding planning and decision making.
- May -Got evicted (oh what a story that is) and had to move home with my parents YAY. Picked out the bridesmaids dresses.
- June Picked up my wedding dress and continued wedding planning. still in school commuting back and forth 45 minutes one way to school/work/home.
- July had a Mental Breakdown because I was turning 29 and more school and wedding planning
-August -moved out to my apartment and hit crunch time with wedding planning.
- September WEDDING MONTH yay!!! I love my wedding day. it was so beautiful. it rained right up unitl we walked down the isle then it was the most perfect day. I love my Husband and feel so blessed. I have the most amazing family and I will be forever grateful to everyone who shared our day with us.
- October was the Hair show at school and our team took first in our Category. it was amazing.
- November was good. Had to take a leave from school for stupid health crap.
and that brings us to December. I'll update longer when we finally get internet at our house.

Melissa

Love, Blessings, Reflection, and Other Things..

UGHH blogging can be such a pain sometimes….BUT I LOVE IT!! When I get on the floor at school I will actually be starting another one so watch for that…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life. I’m not really sure if it’s because I’m rapidly approaching the ripe old age of 30 or that in about 6 months my life is going to change completely.

I’m excited about my life changing. I am so done with this part of my life. I’ve been waiting so long for my own family and I think I’ve chosen beautifully. However, getting closer to 30; not so much. I think it’s because I wasted so much of my twenties. Wasted time with people who in the long run don’t really matter and making choices that I don’t regret but looking back wish I would have been smarter to choose differently. Live and learn I suppose.

I’ve been thinking SO much about life and its journey; from beginning to end. We’re born, we live, and we die. During the ‘we live’ part, we are supposed to find people that bring joy and happiness, learn as much as we can, and hopefully make wise choices that better who we are. My question has suddenly become…WHY?

I’ve been told a million times the only thing that we can take with us when we die is our mind and education. Part of me thinks sweet (Assuming I still make it to heaven HA) and the small cynical part is thinking, “Great, I pay for an education 4 times over and I can’t even use it when I die I can only think about it.” Cheerful thought, ey? (These thoughts have actually inspired the title of my new blog!!)

The other day I was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch with my friend and there was an old man. As I’m sure you’ve noticed from previous blogs I have a habit of observing. Some call it staring I call it observing. He was struggling a bit to walk and was going slow but when he made it to his booth I was completely amazed at what I had observed. He had a military drill sergeant hat like you see in the Marines. He placed that in front of his tray and then sat as though he was sitting in the Mess Hall at chow time; and he began to pray. It was one of the most touching moments of my life but what made it sad for me was that he was alone.

There, in a fast food restaurant, a man who obviously risked his life for his country, is in probably his late 70’s/early 80’s is eating alone. I wanted to cry. Looking back now I should have picked up my tray and sat with him. Talked to him about his life learn about who he is. Does he have a family, was he married, kids, grandkids, does he see them often, friends, and more importantly why is he eating alone when everyone around him has someone? Is this what life is when we near the end of our journey. Eating alone in a restaurant because we have no one around? Going home and being alone?

I had a million questions but because of fear I didn’t go. I know for me anyway that fear stops us from doing a lot of things.

After we were finish with lunch and in the couple weeks to follow I find myself yet again wondering what's the point if the end result is death. I realize it makes me sound super depressed but I'm really not. I just think that we work to hard in our life to make sure its filled with people who love us and experiences that mold us to just die in the end. It's made me realize that I am an incredibly selfish person. I don't want the people I truly love to die. I want to see where my family goes. Sure, I may be able to watch the progress from heaven but I want to be there and be apart of their lives. I want to be able to experience things with them. Maybe it's the not knowing what comes after that spurs all of these thoughts. I think that now that I've found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and my family is growing and growing I don't want to know that there is an end.

Well not that I've completely brought down the house I'll talk about part two. I actually stumbled onto this blog by accident and still now it's been over a month since I've read it and it's all I can think about. I often wonder what has happened to the youth of today. It seems that every generation it's gotten worse. It's not enough that people were bullied in school but now it's taken to the world wide web, cell phones, and whatever else there is. This particular blog was a woman talking about an experience her daughter had with a fellow classmate. Apparently some girls on the playground were telling him that they wanted to kill him and that he would be better off dead. OH and did I mention they are in fifth grade. It got me thinking about when I was in fifth grade. I was teased too but never to that degree. It was always the fat jokes and the fact that I got a training bra before anyone else in my class. No one (at least that I now of) wanted me to die. I couldn't even believe it. Even now it puts a huge lump in my throat. I see the babies in my life and wonder will someone be that cruel to them. Will someone make fun of them for their flaws or will they be the bullies? Will they be the ones who stand up for those that are picked on? I guess time will tell...in this case the little girl told the boy that she didn't feel that way. Hopefully it may have even saved his life. Tell me what's your biggest problem...SERIOUSLY. Take a good hard look at your children right now. How will you teach them?

I've done a lot of reflection in my life. Things that I've done and the things I am doing; wondering if I'm a good person leading a good life. I really want to strive each day to be a good person. Lately I'm definitely struggling. I've been so frustrated with incidents that have come to light and while it's completely enraged me all I can hear is my mother saying over and over again, "Just ignore them." Well, mom, sometimes it's easier said than done. HA HA. In time things will get easier. I'll be able to move on and get on with the next stage of my life. I'll be halfway through my dream job of Cosmetology, married to the man of my dreams, and well on my way to starting the family I've always wanted. I FINALLY get my babies with my dream man. This is will bring everything in my life to balance and a little closer to heaven. I always knew that I deserved happiness I just had to be ready to receive it.

One of the most important gifts I've learned to never to take for granted again is my parents. Last month was the scariest of my life and my worst fear almost come true. My parents were in a pretty bad accident. While I won't discuss the details of it all I will say that they are two of the luckiest people. I am a firm believer in divine intervention. I'll never tell my parents what I've found only because they don't want to know (drives you nuts doesn't it mom...) but I know for a fact that everything happens for a reason and they have a little angel watching over them. I love my parents very much and am so grateful they are OK. I'm so blessed that my father will get to walk me down the isle and give me away and that my mother will be there with me picking out my dress and putting the little flowers in my hair. I thank God every day that I have them in my life. Family is a great thing and I get to have my own now. Add to the blessings that have newly come to our lives.

As I sit here and type this the one Episode of Golden Girls that always makes me cry is on. Talk about Ironic. It reminds me though now that I won't be alone when I get to my Golden Girl age. Of Course, while I'm getting there I won't stop wondering and asking the questions. It makes Tyler insane that I have so many questions and worry. As my mother would say, "I'm my fathers child."

Be happy - Love Everyone!!

Holy Crap!!!

OMG……WTF…….
OK so I totally need to go the Gym. Ever look at a picture of yourself taken at the wrong angle, time, or in my case all the frigging time. Just did…now I want to cry…

Holy crap…

I’m completely beside myself right now. I got that burning sensation on my face and in my chubby gut; you know when you just got caught red handed. Note to self avoid cameras at all costs. OK so I’ll be going to the Gym tonight after school….

Seriously shaking….I feel like I’m in trouble.

HUH…ironic feeling. Maybe I am??

Inspiration Perspiration Realization Support and Disturbia…

Ok so that title made me giggle a bit. I love the Rhianna song Disturbia that’s the only reason why I posted it. Well, actually that’s not true; so I’ll start with that.

Disturbia:
I was just told by a coworker that I need to keep a record of my random thoughts. I would have to agree. Especially lately; I can’t really decide if it’s sleep deprivation or if I’m just becoming a deep philosophical thinker as I approach my 30’s.

I can’t remember the exact moment it was that I was observing the elderly man that threw my good day vibe violently out the window but he really just made me stop and think about all the stupid stuff I worry about and how may times a day I worry about it. (that was a long sentence..) I was watching him walk with the elderly-ness. You know the slow, slightly hunched over, I’ve been walking for 80 years walk and it got me thinking the question we all think at one point….what’s is all for? Duh, I know the most obvious answer..to become a well educated person that lives a full life. I was in a bizarre mood that day and took it to a bizarre place. I’m a Cosmo Student…will I be able to cut hair in Heaven? I know I need to make money to survive this life but why if I’m going to just die and not take my stuff with me what’s the point? Are we supposed to live a full life with family, kids, trips, experiences, education, and a gym membership (to be explained later). Is there going to be a camp fire in Heaven (assuming I get there HA) that we’ll all get to sit around and talk about it? Will be able to utilize our life learned lessons in Heaven? Will people need Haircuts/makeovers? Pretty deep and yet disturbing I think.

I came to the conclusion that it’s because I’m rapidly approaching 30. Since I started school it feels like my life hit the Fast Forward Button. I try really hard but it just keeps remind me that I’m getting older which means my family is getting older which means we’re all getting closer to the end of the journey. YES, I can hear myself and how depressing I sound. Heck, in school they tell us to keep the end in mind so I definitely blame them for this. :o) In their defense they also tell not to count how many hours but how many experiences. (BLAH BLAH BLAH) Is this deep thinking or over thinking? NOT A CLUE!!!

Inspiration:
Well, now that I’ve got the sad and depressed out of the way let’s move on to what really kind of pulled me out of that FUNK. I’m still thinking about it just not as much. I was getting ready for work one morning when Life or Something Like it was on HBO. I got into it but I had to leave and then forgot about it. Saturday with Tyler came along and I was trying to get ready to go out when he stumbled on it again….in the exact same spot I left off. I got the feeling I was supposed to watch it so I drug out the getting ready process…which he really really hates!! I had to finish watching though it was too strange. I won’t playback the entire movie but there were a couple parts that really stuck out. One was a line in the movie, “A minute just seems like a really long time to waste.” Thinking about time in terms of minutes it does seem like we have lot of time but in the grand scheme of things we really don’t. The next part that has stuck with me that also ties in with the previous was ‘“What would you do if you only had a week to live? “I would go to all the people I care about, and I would try memorize their faces.”’
It was like they were speaking to me in the movie. Sounds stupid I know but I think things like that. Certain songs on the radio playing at the time they do or a show on TV. I have a Golden Girls Episode that does the same thing. Never mind the fact that I’ve seen the episode about a million times, the message seems so powerful. If you’re wondering I’ll give a brief overview. Sofia answers a personals ad and come to find out it’s a couple looking for a replacement wife because the dude’s wife is dying. Sofia decides to go through with it because she doesn’t want to be alone and she doesn’t want him to be alone either. In the end the little old woman says to her husband that she feels guilty for leaving. He says to her don’t feel guilty, I’ll be along shortly. Even now, typing that, it brings tears to my eyes. It was then and with the movie that I realized that it’s all about the love with surrounds us with. It certainly doesn’t make losing those around us that we love so much any easier but it gives us fulfillment so we don’t dread so much on the loss. I sure hope that this isn’t it. That everything we do here we will be able to continue on in the here after. I’m sure that hair still grows in Heaven. :o)

Perspiration:
This really was to make people giggle. So, we are cutting hair in school right. Well, I find myself concentrating so hard that I sweat and bite my lip. I’ve actually had to buy hard candy’s to keep in my Rollie. It’s actually quite hilarious to watch. Do you remember when little kids are concentrating so hard in school they would be concentrating SO hard that their tongue is sticking out the side of their mouth. Yeah that’s totally me. I can’t even imagine what I look like or what I will look like to clients. They’ll be like “Freak of nature; get me someone else.” I think if I don’t sweat on them they’ll be OK. Ok well if I clip 6 inches when they only wanted a trim I might lose a finger or two. Full time work and school is HARD!! I’ve been sick monthly with also cause’s perspiration. It feels like flu all the time. I had to take a day off last week because I was so exhausted I hurled on the side of the road and then again when I got home. I don’t really know why I’m sharing this other that it’s funny. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so exhausted. Would explain the delusional thoughts about getting old and death. Hello…Padded Room….It’s Melissa Calling!!! Can I talk to your friend straight jacket and their sister Valium?

Support:
I never in my life even when I was in sports thought that I would need a cheerleader. In school I always tried to hit them with the ball. I don’t know why but it’s funny to watch chicks scream at a rolling ball. Since starting school, my classmates and I have had our share of whining moments. We completely pull the “This isn’t fair and we should be the exception to every rule…blah blah blah whine whine whine.” I swear there were days when I wanted to beat myself up. My moment of clarification that WAS SO NEEDED was when a fellow student rocked a cut that we were doing and the teacher was praising her. Like any good teacher would do!! (when you’re that unsure of yourself a bit of praising goes a long way.) What opened my eyes was another student in my class making the mocking comments and rolling of the eyes. WOWZA how old are we again?? I went to nights to avoid the High School Drama. See this is what happens when you pick a field that is 99.9% chick. God help me if I take my shears to someone’s ears. I was doing another cut a few weeks later and was able to get the same kind of praise and encouragement. If felt so good and allowed me to feel confident that I CAN DO THIS. Silly as it sounds; silently encouraging yourself goes so far and really helps. Knowing that it is recognized that you’re trying and want to succeed is so amazing. I have so many great people in my corner cheering me on. They know I can do which helps me to know that I can do it. I certainly won’t be throwing balls at them!!! (On a side note just because it happened Last night…sometimes they can be jerks though..)

Finally…REALIZATION:
Ouch…my fragile pride. About a month ago I was at Red Lobster with my Tyler enjoying a cute little romantic dinner. It was so fun. I looked cute too…or so I thought. As we went to leave there was a table of both male and females. For whatever reason, they decided to take it upon themselves to whisper, look me up and down, and laugh. Oh I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. About a week later I was enjoying lunch at school when the same type of thing happened. Don’t you just love it when a table full of Size 5’s talk about how fat they are. SERIOUSLY…shut your anorexic pie hole. This last Saturday was the same situation. HI I weight 120 lbs and I’m a heifer. It’s a wonder I made it out of the break room without my ear tagged. I shouldn’t be too surprised; I chose the industry of the compulsively vain. I’m not really sure if it’s God trying to send me another message or what but it’s starting to get to me. I never realized that there was something wrong with me until SO MANY PEOPLE decided to point it out. My question is where do people get the right? It seems like because you don’t weigh as much others you have to add the weight of being a complete jerk. How empty is ones life that they feel the need to pick apart another person’s flaws. OH sure we can chalk it up to they’re just insecure about themselves. I’m sure many ready are thinking…oh that’s so rude I would never do that. Well, chances are you have. If not about me, another chunky person or someone who is just a bit different from you.
It’s not as though I’ve not heard it my entire life. I’ve been getting it from people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. I think that was the hardest. Well it’s never easy being told that you’re a fat cow or as fat as a house. (Yeah it hurts HA..) It’s becoming painfully aware to me that I am just socially unacceptable because of my weight. For a while I was taking it to a really dark place…to a point where I actually had to talk myself into going out in public. It’s paralyzing. I get anxiety attacks in restaurants and can barely eat at family functions. It might explain my stomach issues. My stomach is saying, “No more torture!!”
I don’t really want to say well I’m going to drop all this weight to make everyone happy. I was happy until people started pointing out all the negative things about me. I am a happy person and I love making other people happy. I wish people would get off my back and let me be.

On the same note though, my doctor did say that she’d like to see me get healthy for my future children. I talked to her back in January about me and my baby makin parts. Since I’m getting married soon and getting older I wanted to make sure they are all in working order. She is the sweetest doctor I’ve ever had and she listens to me. She really hit close to my heart and so I taken her advice and tried to mentally encourage myself. It’s nice when someone wants to encourage you for actual health reasons and not because your chunky butt embarrasses them or you’re afraid FAT is contagious. GEEZ people are stupid.

Anyway I am happy in my life right now….well ok about 98% happy. I am hoping that the new gym at my work will help improve that to 100%!! Looking back this is a long freaking blog HA HA…

Let's Just Catch Up...

Well, life has certainly been interesting the last UMMMM 5 months. Most of you know that I've started Cosmo School. It has been such an interesting ride so far. I was reading back on some of my posts and I really didn't like Nails. Mostly because I was in it and I sucked at it. I did have an amazing teacher that kept reminding me that it's OK if I don't get it on the first try. It comes in time. I don't know why but I'm one of those people that if I don't get it right the first time I stop. HUH, self discovery moment...it's probably why I never finished anything.
After nails we started Hair. J was right (J is my nail instructor) we were going to miss her. Even now three months later..we miss her like crazy. I think it's mostly because she never talked to us like we're idiots. She listened to our questions and explained. It's so funny, my nail art project has sort of become the template to my upcoming wedding. I think I'll keep it as a display in our home. It turned out really cute.
I am currently in hair or SASSOON. Talk about technical. This is definitely not an idiots job. So far, I've had successful hair cuts. Of course, they are on the dummy. It's going to be a whole other ball game when it's a real persons head. We only get one model for that. EEEEEK. Thankfully the model I've chosen is looking to lose some length. I have a fabulous hair style planned for her. Hopefully I don't mess it up. I love the girls in my class. They are such a fun bunch. I think it makes learning so much easier; a lot more one on one. There are only five of us. I like going to school at night. I don't have the luxury to live off mommy and daddy's dime to go full time but I find that part time is a blessing. I'm already stressed and have gotten sick like clock work since October. I've already got my ideas for this years hair show!!
Well, what else...OH yes, the little brother got married. It was such a great wedding. I am so glad they finally tied the knot!! What a great couple they are!! My Older Bro and Sister in Law had their twins. It's exciting. Little man is home but the little princess has to stay in the hospital a while longer until she is strong enough. You know us girls...we have to do things on our own time. they are wonderfully adorable and I can't wait to meet them. NOW I'm going to have to wait until I shake this stupid Sinus Infection/Head Cold/Flu-Like garbage gets out of my system. I swear as soon as school is over I am taking a month off to sleep. 60+ hours a week is such crap.
Last and most important....TYLER AND I ARE ENGAGED. Seriously if you didn't already know...how self involved are you... HA HA HA. He is just the sneakiest little devil. He proposed on Christmas Day. I thought it was a promise ring he had other ideas...we had a good laugh. OK so I cried....A LOT....
I totally thought that it wasn't going to happen for another year...or at least until I was out of school. I did tell him that I didn't want to know about it and well he succeeded. He's so amazingly wonderful and I love him more every day. Who would of thought that I would have found someone that allows me to be a selfish brat with horrible self confidence and who loves me so much!! NOT ME. Yikes I thought I was going to be a bitter female who sits alone in their house and shakes their fist at men for being douche bags.
(OK SO MEN ARE STILL DOUCHE BAGS SOME WE JUST LOVE MORE THAN OTHERS)
OK so I have to go now. Apparently my parents think it's my responsibility to drive them everywhere....like they EVER did that for me. Bweahhahahahahahahahaha...