Ok so that title made me giggle a bit. I love the Rhianna song Disturbia that’s the only reason why I posted it. Well, actually that’s not true; so I’ll start with that.
Disturbia:
I was just told by a coworker that I need to keep a record of my random thoughts. I would have to agree. Especially lately; I can’t really decide if it’s sleep deprivation or if I’m just becoming a deep philosophical thinker as I approach my 30’s.
I can’t remember the exact moment it was that I was observing the elderly man that threw my good day vibe violently out the window but he really just made me stop and think about all the stupid stuff I worry about and how may times a day I worry about it. (that was a long sentence..) I was watching him walk with the elderly-ness. You know the slow, slightly hunched over, I’ve been walking for 80 years walk and it got me thinking the question we all think at one point….what’s is all for? Duh, I know the most obvious answer..to become a well educated person that lives a full life. I was in a bizarre mood that day and took it to a bizarre place. I’m a Cosmo Student…will I be able to cut hair in Heaven? I know I need to make money to survive this life but why if I’m going to just die and not take my stuff with me what’s the point? Are we supposed to live a full life with family, kids, trips, experiences, education, and a gym membership (to be explained later). Is there going to be a camp fire in Heaven (assuming I get there HA) that we’ll all get to sit around and talk about it? Will be able to utilize our life learned lessons in Heaven? Will people need Haircuts/makeovers? Pretty deep and yet disturbing I think.
I came to the conclusion that it’s because I’m rapidly approaching 30. Since I started school it feels like my life hit the Fast Forward Button. I try really hard but it just keeps remind me that I’m getting older which means my family is getting older which means we’re all getting closer to the end of the journey. YES, I can hear myself and how depressing I sound. Heck, in school they tell us to keep the end in mind so I definitely blame them for this. :o) In their defense they also tell not to count how many hours but how many experiences. (BLAH BLAH BLAH) Is this deep thinking or over thinking? NOT A CLUE!!!
Inspiration:
Well, now that I’ve got the sad and depressed out of the way let’s move on to what really kind of pulled me out of that FUNK. I’m still thinking about it just not as much. I was getting ready for work one morning when Life or Something Like it was on HBO. I got into it but I had to leave and then forgot about it. Saturday with Tyler came along and I was trying to get ready to go out when he stumbled on it again….in the exact same spot I left off. I got the feeling I was supposed to watch it so I drug out the getting ready process…which he really really hates!! I had to finish watching though it was too strange. I won’t playback the entire movie but there were a couple parts that really stuck out. One was a line in the movie, “A minute just seems like a really long time to waste.” Thinking about time in terms of minutes it does seem like we have lot of time but in the grand scheme of things we really don’t. The next part that has stuck with me that also ties in with the previous was ‘“What would you do if you only had a week to live? “I would go to all the people I care about, and I would try memorize their faces.”’
It was like they were speaking to me in the movie. Sounds stupid I know but I think things like that. Certain songs on the radio playing at the time they do or a show on TV. I have a Golden Girls Episode that does the same thing. Never mind the fact that I’ve seen the episode about a million times, the message seems so powerful. If you’re wondering I’ll give a brief overview. Sofia answers a personals ad and come to find out it’s a couple looking for a replacement wife because the dude’s wife is dying. Sofia decides to go through with it because she doesn’t want to be alone and she doesn’t want him to be alone either. In the end the little old woman says to her husband that she feels guilty for leaving. He says to her don’t feel guilty, I’ll be along shortly. Even now, typing that, it brings tears to my eyes. It was then and with the movie that I realized that it’s all about the love with surrounds us with. It certainly doesn’t make losing those around us that we love so much any easier but it gives us fulfillment so we don’t dread so much on the loss. I sure hope that this isn’t it. That everything we do here we will be able to continue on in the here after. I’m sure that hair still grows in Heaven. :o)
Perspiration:
This really was to make people giggle. So, we are cutting hair in school right. Well, I find myself concentrating so hard that I sweat and bite my lip. I’ve actually had to buy hard candy’s to keep in my Rollie. It’s actually quite hilarious to watch. Do you remember when little kids are concentrating so hard in school they would be concentrating SO hard that their tongue is sticking out the side of their mouth. Yeah that’s totally me. I can’t even imagine what I look like or what I will look like to clients. They’ll be like “Freak of nature; get me someone else.” I think if I don’t sweat on them they’ll be OK. Ok well if I clip 6 inches when they only wanted a trim I might lose a finger or two. Full time work and school is HARD!! I’ve been sick monthly with also cause’s perspiration. It feels like flu all the time. I had to take a day off last week because I was so exhausted I hurled on the side of the road and then again when I got home. I don’t really know why I’m sharing this other that it’s funny. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so exhausted. Would explain the delusional thoughts about getting old and death. Hello…Padded Room….It’s Melissa Calling!!! Can I talk to your friend straight jacket and their sister Valium?
Support:
I never in my life even when I was in sports thought that I would need a cheerleader. In school I always tried to hit them with the ball. I don’t know why but it’s funny to watch chicks scream at a rolling ball. Since starting school, my classmates and I have had our share of whining moments. We completely pull the “This isn’t fair and we should be the exception to every rule…blah blah blah whine whine whine.” I swear there were days when I wanted to beat myself up. My moment of clarification that WAS SO NEEDED was when a fellow student rocked a cut that we were doing and the teacher was praising her. Like any good teacher would do!! (when you’re that unsure of yourself a bit of praising goes a long way.) What opened my eyes was another student in my class making the mocking comments and rolling of the eyes. WOWZA how old are we again?? I went to nights to avoid the High School Drama. See this is what happens when you pick a field that is 99.9% chick. God help me if I take my shears to someone’s ears. I was doing another cut a few weeks later and was able to get the same kind of praise and encouragement. If felt so good and allowed me to feel confident that I CAN DO THIS. Silly as it sounds; silently encouraging yourself goes so far and really helps. Knowing that it is recognized that you’re trying and want to succeed is so amazing. I have so many great people in my corner cheering me on. They know I can do which helps me to know that I can do it. I certainly won’t be throwing balls at them!!! (On a side note just because it happened Last night…sometimes they can be jerks though..)
Finally…REALIZATION:
Ouch…my fragile pride. About a month ago I was at Red Lobster with my Tyler enjoying a cute little romantic dinner. It was so fun. I looked cute too…or so I thought. As we went to leave there was a table of both male and females. For whatever reason, they decided to take it upon themselves to whisper, look me up and down, and laugh. Oh I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. About a week later I was enjoying lunch at school when the same type of thing happened. Don’t you just love it when a table full of Size 5’s talk about how fat they are. SERIOUSLY…shut your anorexic pie hole. This last Saturday was the same situation. HI I weight 120 lbs and I’m a heifer. It’s a wonder I made it out of the break room without my ear tagged. I shouldn’t be too surprised; I chose the industry of the compulsively vain. I’m not really sure if it’s God trying to send me another message or what but it’s starting to get to me. I never realized that there was something wrong with me until SO MANY PEOPLE decided to point it out. My question is where do people get the right? It seems like because you don’t weigh as much others you have to add the weight of being a complete jerk. How empty is ones life that they feel the need to pick apart another person’s flaws. OH sure we can chalk it up to they’re just insecure about themselves. I’m sure many ready are thinking…oh that’s so rude I would never do that. Well, chances are you have. If not about me, another chunky person or someone who is just a bit different from you.
It’s not as though I’ve not heard it my entire life. I’ve been getting it from people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. I think that was the hardest. Well it’s never easy being told that you’re a fat cow or as fat as a house. (Yeah it hurts HA..) It’s becoming painfully aware to me that I am just socially unacceptable because of my weight. For a while I was taking it to a really dark place…to a point where I actually had to talk myself into going out in public. It’s paralyzing. I get anxiety attacks in restaurants and can barely eat at family functions. It might explain my stomach issues. My stomach is saying, “No more torture!!”
I don’t really want to say well I’m going to drop all this weight to make everyone happy. I was happy until people started pointing out all the negative things about me. I am a happy person and I love making other people happy. I wish people would get off my back and let me be.
On the same note though, my doctor did say that she’d like to see me get healthy for my future children. I talked to her back in January about me and my baby makin parts. Since I’m getting married soon and getting older I wanted to make sure they are all in working order. She is the sweetest doctor I’ve ever had and she listens to me. She really hit close to my heart and so I taken her advice and tried to mentally encourage myself. It’s nice when someone wants to encourage you for actual health reasons and not because your chunky butt embarrasses them or you’re afraid FAT is contagious. GEEZ people are stupid.
Anyway I am happy in my life right now….well ok about 98% happy. I am hoping that the new gym at my work will help improve that to 100%!! Looking back this is a long freaking blog HA HA…
0 comments:
Post a Comment