UGHH blogging can be such a pain sometimes….BUT I LOVE IT!! When I get on the floor at school I will actually be starting another one so watch for that…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life. I’m not really sure if it’s because I’m rapidly approaching the ripe old age of 30 or that in about 6 months my life is going to change completely.
I’m excited about my life changing. I am so done with this part of my life. I’ve been waiting so long for my own family and I think I’ve chosen beautifully. However, getting closer to 30; not so much. I think it’s because I wasted so much of my twenties. Wasted time with people who in the long run don’t really matter and making choices that I don’t regret but looking back wish I would have been smarter to choose differently. Live and learn I suppose.
I’ve been thinking SO much about life and its journey; from beginning to end. We’re born, we live, and we die. During the ‘we live’ part, we are supposed to find people that bring joy and happiness, learn as much as we can, and hopefully make wise choices that better who we are. My question has suddenly become…WHY?
I’ve been told a million times the only thing that we can take with us when we die is our mind and education. Part of me thinks sweet (Assuming I still make it to heaven HA) and the small cynical part is thinking, “Great, I pay for an education 4 times over and I can’t even use it when I die I can only think about it.” Cheerful thought, ey? (These thoughts have actually inspired the title of my new blog!!)
The other day I was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch with my friend and there was an old man. As I’m sure you’ve noticed from previous blogs I have a habit of observing. Some call it staring I call it observing. He was struggling a bit to walk and was going slow but when he made it to his booth I was completely amazed at what I had observed. He had a military drill sergeant hat like you see in the Marines. He placed that in front of his tray and then sat as though he was sitting in the Mess Hall at chow time; and he began to pray. It was one of the most touching moments of my life but what made it sad for me was that he was alone.
There, in a fast food restaurant, a man who obviously risked his life for his country, is in probably his late 70’s/early 80’s is eating alone. I wanted to cry. Looking back now I should have picked up my tray and sat with him. Talked to him about his life learn about who he is. Does he have a family, was he married, kids, grandkids, does he see them often, friends, and more importantly why is he eating alone when everyone around him has someone? Is this what life is when we near the end of our journey. Eating alone in a restaurant because we have no one around? Going home and being alone?
I had a million questions but because of fear I didn’t go. I know for me anyway that fear stops us from doing a lot of things.
After we were finish with lunch and in the couple weeks to follow I find myself yet again wondering what's the point if the end result is death. I realize it makes me sound super depressed but I'm really not. I just think that we work to hard in our life to make sure its filled with people who love us and experiences that mold us to just die in the end. It's made me realize that I am an incredibly selfish person. I don't want the people I truly love to die. I want to see where my family goes. Sure, I may be able to watch the progress from heaven but I want to be there and be apart of their lives. I want to be able to experience things with them. Maybe it's the not knowing what comes after that spurs all of these thoughts. I think that now that I've found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and my family is growing and growing I don't want to know that there is an end.
Well not that I've completely brought down the house I'll talk about part two. I actually stumbled onto this blog by accident and still now it's been over a month since I've read it and it's all I can think about. I often wonder what has happened to the youth of today. It seems that every generation it's gotten worse. It's not enough that people were bullied in school but now it's taken to the world wide web, cell phones, and whatever else there is. This particular blog was a woman talking about an experience her daughter had with a fellow classmate. Apparently some girls on the playground were telling him that they wanted to kill him and that he would be better off dead. OH and did I mention they are in fifth grade. It got me thinking about when I was in fifth grade. I was teased too but never to that degree. It was always the fat jokes and the fact that I got a training bra before anyone else in my class. No one (at least that I now of) wanted me to die. I couldn't even believe it. Even now it puts a huge lump in my throat. I see the babies in my life and wonder will someone be that cruel to them. Will someone make fun of them for their flaws or will they be the bullies? Will they be the ones who stand up for those that are picked on? I guess time will tell...in this case the little girl told the boy that she didn't feel that way. Hopefully it may have even saved his life. Tell me what's your biggest problem...SERIOUSLY. Take a good hard look at your children right now. How will you teach them?
I've done a lot of reflection in my life. Things that I've done and the things I am doing; wondering if I'm a good person leading a good life. I really want to strive each day to be a good person. Lately I'm definitely struggling. I've been so frustrated with incidents that have come to light and while it's completely enraged me all I can hear is my mother saying over and over again, "Just ignore them." Well, mom, sometimes it's easier said than done. HA HA. In time things will get easier. I'll be able to move on and get on with the next stage of my life. I'll be halfway through my dream job of Cosmetology, married to the man of my dreams, and well on my way to starting the family I've always wanted. I FINALLY get my babies with my dream man. This is will bring everything in my life to balance and a little closer to heaven. I always knew that I deserved happiness I just had to be ready to receive it.
One of the most important gifts I've learned to never to take for granted again is my parents. Last month was the scariest of my life and my worst fear almost come true. My parents were in a pretty bad accident. While I won't discuss the details of it all I will say that they are two of the luckiest people. I am a firm believer in divine intervention. I'll never tell my parents what I've found only because they don't want to know (drives you nuts doesn't it mom...) but I know for a fact that everything happens for a reason and they have a little angel watching over them. I love my parents very much and am so grateful they are OK. I'm so blessed that my father will get to walk me down the isle and give me away and that my mother will be there with me picking out my dress and putting the little flowers in my hair. I thank God every day that I have them in my life. Family is a great thing and I get to have my own now. Add to the blessings that have newly come to our lives.
As I sit here and type this the one Episode of Golden Girls that always makes me cry is on. Talk about Ironic. It reminds me though now that I won't be alone when I get to my Golden Girl age. Of Course, while I'm getting there I won't stop wondering and asking the questions. It makes Tyler insane that I have so many questions and worry. As my mother would say, "I'm my fathers child."
Be happy - Love Everyone!!
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